It's time we had some Brian Regan on here...

Competitive Nicole

Here is a story my quirky friend, Nicole, told me (and gave me permission to share). You will probably hear more about her in the future. Here is the incident from her own words.


So Magrethe, Maren, and Maren's boyfriend Luke and I went to the pet store to buy some fish for our place this week. We spent a blissful hour at the store and came out with two fish. I remembered at this time that Margrethe and I were in dire need of toilet paper. So we swung by the grocery store. We realized we had a dilemma because the directions said you should take the fish straight home and keep the temperature of the water around 70 degrees. So Margrethe and I decided to to see how fast we could get through the grocery store while Luke and Maren stayed in the car. We sprinted the parking lot and were able to get the toilet paper and pay in absolutely no time. I of course get excited when there is competition and especially when I am being timed. So in my excitement I sprinted as fast as I could to the car opened up the back door, jumped in and yelled,"TIME, how fast was I?." Then to my amazement I man with a long ponytail turned around and calmly told me that he thought I was in the wrong car. I freaked of course at this point, and jumped out of the car like my pants were on fire. But I started laughing outside his door and couldn't stand up straight and close his door for a moment because I was laughing so hard. This added to the awkwardness. I realized that Luke's blue car was two down. I also at this time noticed how many people in the parking lot were staring at me. It was the most hilarious embarrassing thing ever. So the moral to the story is: be careful to look when your sprinting and don't let your excitement cloud your other more important cognitive skills.

"The rain came down, and the floods came up..."

A lovely joke I heard at Dave's graduation in 2008. Astronaut Frank Borman, the speaker at the graduation, told this story....

There was a man who survived the flood of 1889 in Johnstown, Pennsylvania. The remainder of his life, he talked about how he survived the Johnstown flood of 1889. He would travel to different cities and different universities and tell the same story of how he survived That Flood of 1889.

One day, this man died. When he reached the pearly gates of Heaven, Peter informed him that before he passes the white gates, he'll have to talk about his life's achievement in front of a large group of people. The man said, "Oh, that's easy. I'll just talk about how I survived the 1889 flood." Peter responded, "Well, that's fine. Just keep in mind that Noah will be in the audience."

How Punny!

The hi-lights of a pun email my dad sent me.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
  Then it hit me.

• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Christmas Joke

All amazingness of this joke goes to the best corny-joke-teller, Matthias. Thanks, Matthias, for sharing.

Darth Vader says to Luke: "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas"

Luke: "How do you know?"

Vader, "I felt your presents."

Need I say more?

Who needs plastic surgery?

While working at the pharmacy, I overheard a conversation something like this...

60+ Woman: "...Ya, my husband doesn't know about my plastic surgery either."

30-something Woman: "I was talking about plastic surgery for my dog."

Adam fell that men might be....

Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.
(From the Reader's Digest Dec 09)

Baggage Check

While looking at pictures of my friends' weddings, I was reminded of this experience I had at one of them....

While offering my "Congratulations!" to my Best Friend at her wedding reception, my friend asks me to do a favor. She had forgotten her beautiful necklace and told me that she thought that she had put it in her suitcase in the back of her parent's car. She told me to go ask her mom for the keys to the car and look through her suitcase to see if the necklace was there. Not a problem! Anything for my Best Friend on her wedding day!

I do as she asks me to and get the car keys from her mom. I then go out to the parking lot, locate her parent's SUV and begin digging through the luggage in the trunk. I'm going through clothes and stuff, but no necklace. What's more, is that none of this stuff looks girly.

After a few minutes of digging, my friend's dad comes passing by saying, "Hey there! What are you up to?" I explain my assignment and he tells me that the bag I was digging through was his. My Best Friend's suitcase was in their other car.

It's an odd feeling to get caught red-handed looking through your Best Friend's dad's suitcase.

From "Wait, wait don't tell me!" This is hilarious....

I mostly love this because of the reference to Oprah....

Blondes have more fun....right?

Q: What is the definition of "eternity?"
A: 4 Blondes. 4 Cars. And a 4-way stop.



A Blonde gets a new Corvette and is taking a ride down the freeway. Oblivious to anything around her, she cuts off a Trucker. Unfortunately, this Trucker had one too many Blondes cutting him off that day so he begins yelling and honking his horn at her. They both pull over to the side of the road and the fuming Trucker climbs out of his diesel.

He draws a circle off the side of the road and says to the Blonde, "You stay in this circle and don't you move!" She obeys.

The Trucker gets out a bat and smashes her car's windows. Turning around, he sees the Blonde smile. This made him even madder. "Oh you like that, huh?" So he gets a knife and slashes all four tires. Again when he turns around, the Blonde is giggling.

"I'll wipe that smile off your face!" He yells at her. He then takes gasoline and pours it all over her car. With a light of a match, the car is suddenly engulfed in flames. When the Trucker looks over at the Blonde, she is cracking up hysterically. The Trucker had had it.

"What is wrong with you!?!" he yelled, "I just completely ruined your Corvette and you are laughing!?"

The blonde replied between giggles, "Every time you turned around, I stepped out of the circle!"