Where were you when you heard your first CHUCK NORRIS FACT?

What's a joke blog without Chuck Norris!? Here are a few of my favorites...

• Chuck Norris once shot down a German Fighter Plane by pointing his finger at it and shouting, "Bang!"
• Chuck Norris won a staring contest against Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles at the same time.
• If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity ... twice.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
• According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
• Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

For more facts about Chuck Norris go to www.chucknorrisfacts.com

What's your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

Cute stories from today

In Primary while learning a new song about the Mormon Pioneers...

The teacher has a bunch of different objects to help illustrate the words of the song. One of these objects is a compass. Before the teacher gets out the compass she asks, "What do you use when you're hiking to help you know which direction you're going?"

Child: "A GPS!"

****

Dave: "What kind of helicopter does Tom fly?"

Me: "Oh, I don't know. I didn't even know there were different kinds of helicopters until last year."

Mom walks in the room: "There are?"

Stories from the life of Matthias... or something

One of my brothers works for an investment firm. His specialty is in what's known as "emerging markets" which is mostly investing overseas in economies of undeveloped and underdeveloped nations. At the end of last year, two of his largest holdings were in, believe it or not, Haiti and Chile.He used to think his job was pretty secure, but now his career is on shaky ground!

On the way to work this morning, an older woman in a Cadillac zoomed by me on the highway. It looked like she was driving pretty fast and recklessly, and I saw that she was busily engaged in her knitting while driving! Luckily next car to zoom past me was a police officer attempting to flag down the dangerous driver. He came up along side her and yelled to her through an open window, “Pull over!” She replied, “Actually they're socks!”

Now that Megan and I have a real job, we get real health insurance, including real dental coverage! So in a recent appointment with our new dentist, he mentioned that he often had arguments with his wife. When I asked why, he said that she was manicurist. Aparently they fought tooth and nail!

Here along the coast in New Hampshire, there is a nudist colony that we steer clear of. Recently it was reported that a peep hole was discovered in one of the outside walls. Currently, the police are looking into it.

You know, I once entered a "pun contest" on an internet joke site. I was so excited that I not only submitted one, but ten different puns. I was sure that one of my jokes would win, but no-pun-in-ten-did.

A family in our ward hosted a really fun new years party that we attended Thursday night, but Megan and I barely made it to midnight, we were so dead tired. As we were driving home from the party, I was getting pretty nervous about the road conditions.
When we drove through a yellowish-red light, I thought I'd mention something to Megan to make sure she was okay driving, but I figured she would be okay. When it happened a second time, I really started to get concerned but I still didn't say anything. When we blatantly went through a third red light, I asked her, "Darling, are you doing okay?! That's the third redlight we've gone through!"
She responded, "What do you mean am I all right? You're the one who's driving!"